VALTOR: THE MOVIE
by Ultimate Bohab
Summary: MILD MANNERED WIZARD BY DAY, BUT ONCE HE SMOKES GOVERNMENT ISSUED SYNTHETIC SMART WEED HE BECOMES VALTOR McBONGWATER- ACTUAL MURDERER
1. THE DISCOURSE

What of the cosmic infinities that make up the universe, the intangible multitude of echoing hopes and dreams which fuel the vessel that is life? One must wonder the purpose of the singular man in such a complex and vast expanse of color and energy. The individual, so objectively small in comparison to the wonders around him, his life so brief a sentence in the never ending story. To make a significant impact upon the endless yonder which beckons to all living things, to live through the memories of the countless souls who shall spring forth once this time has ended, that is truly the noblest goal of any man.

"WE CAN BURG IF WE WANT TO, WE CAN FUCK THIS MEATS BEHIND" Valtor yammered as he plowed his wizard wang into a bacon cheeseburger in front of everyone inside the Wendy's.

"Jesus christ and the virgin Mary please for the love of god think of the children," a concerned mother pleaded.

"We can fuck, we can fuck, everyone grab onto your lunch" the wizard warbled, his sickened yellow seed spraying from the lips of the burger bun, nearly indistinguishable from the mustard on the patty. It splattered to the floor in thick slovenly heaps, flecking off gobs onto the shoes of other restaurant patrons.

"I'm calling the police!" the cashier said, dialing 911.

"DON'T CALL ANYBODY," Valtor shouted, whipping out a can of pepper spray and emptying a liberal dose into the cashier's eyes. He then attempted to sprint out the door, but was stopped by an obese cop.

"Chief Wiggum!?" Valtor gasped, astounded.

"Er, no. I'm an actual real cop with no sense of proportion or restraint." the cop replied, before pulling out a gun and firing two rounds straight into Valtor's exposed genitals.

"I NEEDED THAT CHODE" the wizard wailed, falling to the ground. The cop then handcuffed him and through him into the back seat of his car.

"Time for you to go to magic prison." he said. Valtor faded from consciousness as crotch blood leaked all over the seat.

 **...**

Valtor awoke in a musty prison cell with a bag of ice on his cock and balls. Upon recounting the events of the night prior, he knew what he must do.

"It's time for another adventure. Most likely involving magic and weed."


	2. AAAAGHHH

"HOLY FUCK" Valtor shouted as he soared from the exploding wreckage of the prison that had once held him. "WHY CANT HUMANS TASTE THEIR OWN TONGUES"

It was a question that would never be answered, because at that moment Icy came in piloting a helicopter. "This account is dead, Winx Club is dead, fanfiction dot net is dead. You fucking stupid wizard." she said, firing a missile directly at Valtor.

"I HAVE NO REGRETS" the bong sorcerer screamed as his body was engulfed in flame. The red hot weed wizard shot like a rocket straight into Iginio Straffi's house, destroying the roof. He landed at the feet of Mr. Straffi, creator of Winx Club, who was enjoying some cannoli. Valtor gazed in awe at his creator, the inventor of his entire reality.

"You have something on your face," Valtor said.

"Oh, thanks," Iginio said. "Are you from my dumb cartoon show I invented to get rich off young girls while reinforcing the idea that all women should have identical body types?"

"Yes" Valtor said. Then he whipped out a stiletto blade and perforated Iginio Straffi's chest and face repeatedly. He picked up the cannoli from the corpse and shoved it down his pants. "MMMmmmMMMMmm" he MMMM'd.

Then Stormy and Darcy barged into the room and shot the wizard to death with Walther PPX M1 9MM pistols. "Finally this fucking stupid weed Valtor joke can die forever," Stormy said.

"Yeah, it was really unfunny and embarrassing for everyone involved," Darcy agreed. "Now what do you say we go into the bathroom and I suck you off?"

"Sure, I have a raging boner right now." Stormy said. She did indeed have a massive erection.

Then like something else shocking and potentially offensive or some shit happened and there were drug references or something. Fuck I don't know, it's over. It's done. I haven't even smoked weed in like 6 years.


End file.
